Dear Auntie Pasta

In an effort to lessen the load on the nation's dustbins and reduce the amount of sparrows unable to get off the ground due to burnt offering-induced belly ache, Auntie Pasta opens the contents of her bulging mailbag and finds that an enquirer known only as 'fruitcake' is responsible for all of them…

Dear Auntie Pasta,

All too often, the 'kitchen timer' (AKA 'smoke alarm') that indicates when my cooking is ready fails to activate before it's all *too* ready. How can I accustom my family to the subtle flavour of charcoal?

Dear Cake,

It's an inconvenient fact of life that the added tang of burnt metal saucepans is strangely unpopular. It's best disguised by turning your efforts into another saucepan and adding a stronger flavouring such as curry or chilli. For sweet foods, orange or vanilla essence usually does the trick, as does strawberry, mint, or dialling out for a take-away.

Dear Auntie Pasta,

My grill pan has caught fire (again), and I find my path to the back door blocked by the ironing board, which had been claiming my attention, and the sink is full of veggies waiting to be peeled. What should I do?

Dear Cake,

Its unfortunate that you feel the need to cook from beneath half a hundred-weight of highly flammable hairspray, so you are just going to have to throw the grill pan on the floor and grab the first thing off of the top of the ironing pile (which is *bound* to be your favourite black satin negligee) and use it to put out the blaze. Although a huge rectangle scorched deeply into your kitchen vinyl makes for an interesting conversation piece, I'd advise that in future you show your husband the business end of your ironing board and stop trying to do two things at once. Daft cow.

Dear Auntie Pasta,

The fruit in my cake is all on the bottom. I can state with certainty that I have nothing up top whatsoever. Please help.

Dear Cake,

Its actually possible to get a good pair out of this situation, so don't despair. Slice your cake horizontally to get one plain one, and one fruit. The result may be slightly lop-sided, but whose buns are perfect anyway?

Dear Auntie Pasta,

The Irish Soda Bread that I've made is impenetrable by every knife in the kitchen, not to mention the Black and Decker. I'm at a complete loss as to how to rescue this one.

Dear Cake,

Varnish it and use it as a doorstop. Or whack it round the head of the next person to complain about the taste of charcoal. I'm told that the food is at least palatable in prison.

Dear Auntie Pasta,

My mayonnaise has curdled. Is there a cure?

Dear Cake,

Very slowly blend the mixture into an egg yolk in a clean bowl. Or use your common sense instead and very quickly nip round the corner shop for a jar of Helman's.

Dear Auntie Pasta,

My Easter biscuits taste of parsley. Where have I gone wrong?

Dear Cake,

Mixed herbs are not the same thing as mixed spice. By any stretch of the imagination.

Dear Auntie Pasta,

My pastry is so sticky that dealing with it is like taking on an explosion in a blu-tak factory. Adding more flour will ruin the proportions, so what's the answer?

Dear Cake,

Put the pastry in the fridge for a bit, and grab yourself a couple of beers while you're at it - the pastry will be fine. By the time you remember that it's there.

Dear Auntie Pasta,

I can never seem to get my spaghetti done just right. It's either overcooked or undercooked. What method do you use to achieve optimum spaghetti?

Dear Cake,

An old Italian technique involves throwing the spaghetti at the wall to see if it sticks, in which case it's done. To my mind, this is not unlike judging if you've been wearing your knickers too long in the same way, by seeing if the gusset clings to the plaster. Mucky, impractical, and un-necessary. Read the bloomin' timing instructions on the bag and stop acting so dim.

Dear Auntie Pasta,

How can I avoid wavy gravy? Mine has more lumps than Brighton Beach has pebbles

Dear Cake,

This is not uncommon, and in fact a gadget has been specifically invented for the purpose of eliminating wavy gravy. Known as a sieve, rumours that its main use is for sifting flour to make light and airy cakes (whatever *they* are) are wildly exaggerated.

Dear Auntie Pasta,

After slaving all afternoon to produce the perfect vegetarian lasagne for my guests, I was mortified when my young son said with delight as we sat down to eat, 'Mmmm… bacteria!' How can I persuade my guests that my standards are high, while keeping the threat of a thick ear to my son low?

Dear Cake,

Kids. No known cure. You're on yer own…