Wot? Me, Occifer?

Advantages: No more 'I said THAT?!' moments, or 'Why DID I post the home AVI clip 'Grope in the Greenhouse'?!'

Disadvantages: Many, varied, and down to the offender!

"Pull over. Yes, you. Are you aware that your signals are dodgy, and you're leaving a trail of debris along the highway? I believe you to be in breach of the law, and drunk in charge of… a modem."

A solemn scenario, and sadly for those of us who are repeat offenders with little hope of rehabilitation ("Guilty, your honour!"), an unlikely one.

While it's not in the same league as the abhorrent practice of taking your car out when the alcohol is lapping against the space where your brain cells used to be, taking the 56kbps out for a spin along the information super-highway when you've had a skinful has dire consequences all of its own, and should have penalties that reflect it.

Capital punishment is a bit extreme, however (though even *that* can be considered a picnic at the side of stiffer penalties such as lengthy periods of enforced listening to 'Rednex' and 'Cotton-Eye-Joe') I'd suggest that the best chance our offender has of reforming is to be made to face the damage caused *before* the first black coffee and dose of Anadin the following morning.

Harsh? Definitely. It does have its advantages though. Not only is it often sufficient for the transgressor to see the error of his/ her ways (at least, until the next time…) but it also offers possibilities for damage limitation - undoubtedly of benefit to the sorry victims of this massive misdemeanour.

The message left on the forum announcing your favourite sexual position to a puzzled public is probably just this side of graphic and is going to have to stay, but there's still time to remove the delightful snap of your mother chewing on a chicken drumstick without her dentures from your website before her warm and loving self is round to put a brick through your window. It's a little late to calm the raging fears of the terrified bloke that you propositioned to within an inch of his privates in the chat-room (We've all done it, haven't we girls? GIRLS..?!), but a moment taken to pen a follow-up mail to your boss explaining that 'tripe talking, two-faced, ignorant ****er with a face like a bag of tin-tacks' is actually a term of respect and endearment where you come from could be a moment well spent.

It's evident that a government bogged down with such pressing matters as the curvature of your banana or the length of your cucumber isn't going to be considering implementing this much needed measure in a hurry, and so it's up to us all instead to use common sense. With that in mind I urge you (before I crack open a Kronenbourg and log on) to THINK before you drink… beside your hard-drive…