Hopping Mad

Advantages: Frogs are natural predators of the pests that man eliminates artificially, disturbances in the population and environment of frogs are said more than any other creature to closely resemble our own, thus alerting us more quickly to ecological problems.
Disadvantages: Planet earth without frogs would need more chemicals to dispose of the pests that the frogs should be eating – a planet out of balance.

Amber pools of light from the streetlamps illuminated the roads, assisted by the myriad of stars that pierced the inky evening sky, but still I overlooked him. “That was a frog back there, Mum,” my daughter said. We were on our way to her weekly Brownie Guide meeting and running late, but it seemed such a bizarre comment that I felt moved to investigate. “A dead frog?” I asked, turning back up the hill. She was about to reply when I spotted him myself. Squatting in the centre of the pavement, and very much alive, he seemed completely oblivious to the fact that he’d just missed being squashed by yours truly.

“You’re gonna get yourself flattened if you’re not careful”, I told him (as one does), and gently nudged him towards the grass verge with the edge of my boot. He was having none of it and scrambled up on to my foot, headed down the other side and towards the road instead. Three times we repeated this procedure, but this was one stubborn frog. “If you think I’m picking you up” I said,“You’ve got another think coming.”

“Mum!” my daughter was saying impatiently (and with faint traces of embarrassment) come on, we’re going to be late.” Reluctantly, I abandoned him to his fate and took her down the road to the church hall, where I left her boasting to her little mates - “I bet your mum’s not as weird as mine!”

Making my way back up the hill, I was surprised to find him still where I’d left him, wearing what I’d swear was a look of defiance across his froggy features. ‘It must be the time of year’ I thought, ‘he’s still half asleep.’ And then I realised that he wasn’t the only one to be slow on the up-take. Given the weather we were experiencing, he was hardly looking for any old source of water, we were surrounded by the stuff. Either spring was just around the corner or someone had got him up early, but this was A Frog With A Mission.

As the time of year grows close when a young man's fancy turns to thoughts of love, so the thoughts of Kermit and his buddies turn to getting some frog's-legover. For them the path of true love is fraught with difficulties. Beneath the lily pads, it’s likely that ‘Ribbit!’ translates as ‘Our love life is *so* predictable!’, for each year frogs and toads return to the same breeding ponds, often along a path trodden by their amphibious ancestors centuries ago. In doing so, they face hazards that weren’t even thought of in those far off days, most notably modern traffic, and thousands are killed every spring.

Frogs are useful creatures, damaging little and feeding off the kind of pests that many farmers and gardeners are still willing to pay a small fortune to eliminate chemically. These same chemicals eliminate frogs just as easily. Ironically, given that the activities of man are responsible for the diminishing number of frogs, we have an awful lot in common with them.

In recent years, scientists have established that frogs and toads share several characteristics with human beings, both physiological and ecological. Affected in the same ways by industrial and agricultural changes to the environment, it’s a view held by conservationists in some quarters that the fortunes of the frog population are reflected closely in our own. It’s sobering to realize, therefore, that some species of frog are already extinct.

I thought of the frog that sits at the side of my pond on most summer evenings. Singing with a voice like a throttled cricket, and playing under the hosepipe I’ll occasionally gently aim at him, he’s virtually regarded as a family pet. I thought about how much he’d be missed if he didn’t show up this year, and I looked down at the obtuse froggy-on-the-pavement. I knew I wasn’t going to let him end his days beneath the wheels of a passing car. “Okay” I said, “You wanna cross the road? Let’s go!”

I nudged him with the side of my boot again, this time towards the road. I evidently had the right idea now, because he hopped along for a couple of nudges, more or less in the direction I wanted him to go. I think the exercise must have woke him from his semi-slumber, because he suddenly decided it was time to become a little more athletic.

BOING! His next leap was in a diagonal direction, down towards the main road that crossed ours just yards away. ‘Daft frog’ I thought, or words to that effect. BOING! BOING! His future started to look a little brighter as he took two leaps up the road. BOING! Back down again. This was going to be harder than I thought. At this point, a car approached. Standing in the middle of the road, it occurred to me that although the driver must have witnessed a pretty peculiar sight, I could still be anonymously peculiar and walk away. I glanced at Frog to see he’d assumed the squatting position again and was frozen to road in terror. The phrase ‘toad-in-the-hole’ sprung to mind - I stood my ground.

The car slowed to a halt and the driver wound down the window. “You alright, love?” he asked, in the kind of voice that said “I’ve met people before that have escaped from your place!”

“It’s… erm… it’s a frog in the road.” I explained to him that the frog was off to find a mate, and that he just needed a little help in crossing the road. The driver stifled a laugh. “Perhaps you need one of those babe mags. Stand on the other side of the street with one of they and ‘e’ll soon ‘op to it!” The laugh escaped.

Frogs-porn? I was getting desperate. I gave Frog another nudge, and he leapt higher than ever. BOING! BOING! I caught sight of the car driver doubled up in his seat with hysterical laughter, just as frog sailed out of my line of vision towards the main road. With one last effort, I dived to the left and executed a save that David Seaman would have been proud of. Bouncing off my open hand, Frog landed unscathed on the grass verge opposite where I’d found him, and crawled off casually into a nearby privet hedge.

Having recovered his composure, the driver pulled away, but not before commenting that it seemed an awful lot of trouble to go to for a frog. Perhaps it was, but I’d do it again if the need ever arose, and I think you should too. I’d like to believe that by the time my daughter and her brothers are adults, we’ll have managed to compensate for some of the damage we’ve done to our world, and I’d like to believe that frogs will still live in it's waters somewhere. Direct descendants, perhaps, of The Frog With A Mission.