Advantages: Seeing smiles on people's faces (especially the kid's) and knowing you've helped to put them there.

Disadvantages: Stress and cash expenditure that is wildly out of proportion to the actual event.

Twinkling fairy lights dancing amongst the tinsel… the beaming faces of the family as they receive with appreciation the gifts you've so thoughtfully chosen for them… tempting aromas of the festive feast… voices trilling to the melodic tunes of age-old carols as…CUT!

Proof of the existence of Santa Claus is conclusive in comparison to the evidence that such a rosy scene really exists, yet from the appearance of the first carol singers in October to the appearance of the first Easter eggs on boxing-day, the nation goes wild in an effort to make a single day special. The perfect Christmas will probably continue to be elusive, but I'd like to offer the following tips in the hope that one of us might see one.

WE THREE KINGS OF ORIENT ARE…

Two thousand years ago, we are told, Mary and Joseph were visited by three wise men bearing fabulous gifts for their newborn son. In modern times, this is remembered when we ourselves are visited - by three bin-men bearing the refuse rota for the following year. After urgent forays down the side of the sofa, this is exchanged for rare coinage in the hope that we'll see them again some time before the middle of January.

Use your bin for edible refuse only, and stock up on black bags for everything else - mixing the two only leads to stray dogs and hungry foxes decorating the street for the season with realms of wrapping paper, packaging, used nappies and all the other decidedly un-festive remnants of the holiday.

DING DONG MERRILY ON HIGH…

The sound of Yuletide chimes is largely drowned out these days by the ringing of Christmas tills. Christmas shopping is never going to be easy, but being on-line does make it easier. I'd urge anyone to give shopping over the internet a try, but would emphasise that sticking with a company you already know to be reliable is particularly important at this time of year. The vast majority of on-line traders deliver what they promise because they know their survival depends on it, but fly-by-night opportunists are everywhere during the Christmas rush and cyber-space is no exception.

In spite of any potential pitfalls, I'd still opt for internet shopping over being trapped at the checkout for an hour between the old lady who always thinks I'd benefit from a detailed history of her bladder trouble and the guy breaking wind as if he were intent on remedying a nationwide shortage of natural gas.

OH LITTLE STAR OF BETHLEHEM…

Children's excitement is at fever pitch in the run up to Christmas, and as well as trying to educate thirty or so of the little terrors, your child's teacher is struggling to produce the kind of Nativity play that has all the mums in floods of tears as they say with feeling "I thought that was really lovely!"

Spread a little goodwill by offering to help if you can. Last year I spent an entire weekend cutting out stars from silver card for the scenery, and any feelings that the time might have been better spent evaporated at the sight of my daughter - in the opinion of a totally biased mother, the biggest star on the stage!

SILENT NIGHT…

One of the most appealing things about Christmas is the sight of the children sweetly sleeping on Christmas Eve, exhausted from the effort of tidying their rooms for Santa. Make the very most of this - the memory has to last you a year. Tomorrow they'll be making up for lost time by arguing volubly about the last chocolate on the tree, and you'll consider yourself lucky if you can see an inch of the bedroom carpet through the debris on the floor.

Use your children's enthusiasm for Santa's impending arrival to encourage them to give away some of their older toys before the event and eliminate some of the clutter. There are plenty of children's charities that welcome such contributions at this time of year, and most kids are delighted to know they've helped another child to enjoy a happy Christmas.

WHEN SANTA GOT STUCK UP THE CHIMNEY…

As your little darlings sleep, Santa makes his calls. At our house he's always been delighted to receive a can of Stella and a carrot for Rudolph, but was no less pleased the year he was pregnant to find a can of alcohol-free lager and a toothpaste and chutney sandwich instead. Christmas is a stressful time, and it's vital to treat your Santa well.

DECK THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY…

It always brings a glow to the heart when seeing the place trimmed up for the festive season, if only for the reason that those miles of tinsel and fairy lights will prohibit any serious attempts at dusting for around three weeks, so I'm all for decking the halls.

It is important to remember, however, that decking three policemen instead while under the influence of copious quantities of Budweiser is what's commonly known as a Grave Error, and should be strongly discouraged. Peace on earth, goodwill to men… don't get thrown in the cells again…

WE ALL LIKE FIGGY PUDDING…

Timing is what it's all about when it comes to producing the best Christmas dinner - unfortunately there's always someone with no sense of it at all to sabotage the proceedings. The best example I can give of this is that of my elderly dog (sadly no longer with us), who decided to upstage the Blessed Virgin by dragging her blanket from its box and giving birth in front of the saucepan cupboard one Christmas day.

Such dramas aside, your best bet is to prepare as much in advance as possible. Mince pies can be frozen for up to a month in advance, and preparing the vegetables the night before can save much trial and trauma. After peeling two large bucketfuls of sprouts once for a pub Christmas dinner, I'd recommend the frozen variety every time. Don't forget that the unfortunate turkey favoured (!) by most families will take around three days to thaw, and that failure to do this thoroughly is the main cause of festive food poisoning.

If the catering turns out to be the disaster that it usually is for me, just help yourself to a beer while the flames subside in the grill pan as it blazes merrily outside the back door. You can comfort yourself with the knowledge that everyone will be too drunk to notice the layer of charcoal clinging to the sausages, and that all the take-aways will be open again in a day or so anyway. In my view it's just not worth tearing your hair out over.

The Christmas pudding is as vital to tradition in our house as anywhere else, although it never follows Christmas dinner. Instead, it is held over until boxing-day when it follows the customary 'Row With Husband'. To serve, simply place the pudding in the microwave for three-and-a-half minutes - at the house of the nearest accommodating friend. Leave husband to simmer. Your friend is more likely to appreciate your appearance if you make it with a sachet of instant custard in hand, as well as a box of chocolates and a large bottle of wine.

GOD REST YE MERRY GENTLEMEN…

…and all ye weary women too. Christmas comes but once a year, which is probably its biggest blessing. You've lived through this one, and it's a full 365 days 'til the next. Put your feet up and revel in your survival - this calls for another beer!